This is the second article in the series on communication begun in last Spring’s issue. Click here to view part one of this series.

The subject is ‘respectful arguing’ and how to communicate your feelings of anger in a respectful manner. As a reminder, the first rule was: State what bothers you without making it a personal attack on the other.

The next rule to consider is: Avoid using absolutes such as “never” and “always”. Usually these words are inaccurate anyway and result in counterproductive arguments over whether or not the words are true rather than focusing on the real point you are trying to make.

Next, remember to Stay on topic. Making reference to family members, co-workers, or others in general is getting off-topic, as is bringing up the past, no matter how similar to the present it may seem. Nor is it acceptable, under any circumstances, to bring up another, as yet unmentioned issue that’s been bothering you. This loading up is an example of strategies which sabotage the process of communication and therefore prevent your message from being heard and equally importantly, accepted and understood.

Further, Take a time-out if either person is too angry to avoid saying damaging things. It is recommended (especially to couples or close friends who already know each other well) that a previously negotiated signal be invented, to be used by either person, and honoured by each of you. Examples can be: holding up a finger to signal that a break is needed, or simply quietly stating so. However, this ‘temporary withdrawal’ must come with a promise to return to the discussion in a reasonable time period, for example, within 24 hours.

Finally, Learn other conflict resolution skills. There are workshops, books and training courses in your community, as well as Psychologists and other mental health practitioners who specialize in this subject.

Since none of us is perfect, even the best of us sometimes say unreasonable or outrageous things, especially in anger. In these instances, making a sincere apology and practicing forgiveness will lead to further resolution of conflicts within relationships. Apologizing with an accompanying statement of taking full responsibility for the verbal attack goes a long way. Further, it is equally imperative that such apologies be accepted unconditionally by the other person. To make it work between you, both must cooperate.

For example, if you are being personally attacked by the person who is angry with you, for example, with name-calling (“you’re so stupid”), it is natural to become defensive. This is the time, however, to not react with your own attack, (“and you’re a monster for calling me such names”) but rather to point out how you are feeling (“I’m feeling attacked by such language and am getting defensive”) and that what is being said is both hurtful and unacceptable. Continuing on, you would state that you will only participate in the interaction if that comment is retracted and the discussion can begin again in a more reasonable manner.

You can accomplished this in a matter-of-fact, calm and direct way. This is the assertive way to communicate. You owe it to yourself to become very aware of your feelings, and as good a listener as possible, so that you are equipped to conduct this sort of respectful communication. If you are either on the delivering or receiving end of disrespectful messages, be reassured that practice does make perfect, so take it slowly, one inappropriate statement at a time.

RULES FOR FIGHTING FAIRLY... 1. State what bothers you without making it a personal attack on the other. 2. Avoid using absolutes such as “never” and “always”. 3. Stay on topic. 4. Take a time-out if either person is too angry to avoid saying damaging things. 5. Learn other conflict resolution skills.