How difficult is it for you to avoid verbal abuse when conveying anger? How do you settle problems constructively when arguing? In this edition of our GET iT Canada Well Being article, and the one to follow, I will be providing you with some useful tips and strategies for succeeding at the challenge commonly known as 'arguing.'

Communication is everything, or so they say. It is a necessary skill to learn so that we may succeed at relationships, at home and at work. Respectful arguing is both the goal and result of healthy relationships. So, here's some background on how to get there.

Ideally, communication is a 2-way street, a give-and-take interaction. Each person is responsible for both delivering a message and listening to (receiving) the other's message. Further, 'active listening' involves the listener both giving his/her attention to the speaker and conveying back understanding of that message. This step, called clarifying, can be repeated as many times as necessary until the original speaker indicates that she/he feels understood. Only after this occurs does the listener get to convey his/her own thoughts in response. In the beginning of this skill-building exercise, tempo will naturally slow and things may seem awkward, but with practice, the process gets easier and communication does improve.

Thoughts or opinions are referred to as the content of the message, whereas the conveyance of feelings, especially when they are not overtly stated, is called the process. This process is frequently the most meaningful part of the message sent, and the one the receiver hears most loudly.

For many of us, feelings are more difficult to express than are ideas, which is why they are often not communicated clearly or directly. One particular feeling with which we have the most difficulty sending or receiving is anger.

The most damaged relationships are those that have a history of verbal abuse. Examples of verbal abuse include accusations, (“You're not only late again, you're always late!”); attacks, (”You're a loser, just like your brother!”), and belittling, or statements designed to humiliate the other, (“You think you're so smart, how come you can't earn enough money for us!”). What each of these statements has in common, besides the anger implied in the message, is that the emphasis is upon the other person, rather than the issue that has caused concern to the speaker. However, a different strategy is required. The focus must return to the speaker.

Let's say, you're the one who is feeling frustrated. Respectful arguing involves communicating your position, directly and openly, without putting down the other person. This assertive way of speaking is helped by a technique Psychologists refer to as 'owning' the issue, which means admitting and accepting that it is your own feeling, thought, belief or desire which you'd like to communicate.

What follows, is one specific 'rule' to practice when feeling angry, yet wanting to communicate that emotion with respect.

State what bothers you without making it a personal attack on the other. Name-calling causes emotional scars that rarely heal, so remember, the central feature of a successful relationship lies in the fact that it is an emotionally safe one. Resolving problems is nearly impossible when hurt lingers, because trust is necessary for people to be open with each other. Without this trust, communication inevitably breaks down, since one person in the relationship will cease using words when the others' words have been used to hurt.

As mentioned, I will provide you with additional tips and strategies for arguing respectfully in the next edition of GET iT Canada.

FIGHT FAIRLY... The road of verbal abuse is obviously a dangerous one. However, people can learn to 'fight fairly'. The concept, simply stated, is: don't attack, accuse or criticize the other person; focus on solving the actual problem instead. It makes a difference when you describe the behaviour that is causing you frustration. For example, when feeling angry that your partner is late for dinner, rather than accusing him of being thoughtless, first determine if the two of you had a common understanding of the time you were to meet for dinner. Inquire also about any circumstances out of his control which could have made him late, such as a traffic accident in the tunnel. Finally, clearly state that you feel disrespected by his lateness once you've determined that he simply forgot. You may still feel angry, but since you haven't been verbally abusive, you've given him a chance to respond in a manner which just might alleviate your feeling. You then have the opportunity to request a real change in his behaviour.